Tightrope

I feel off balance a lot. It’s not something that really fucks with me…..it’s a very hard feeling to describe. I am who I am. My ideas, thoughts and beliefs are all my own. I wish to save the world but don’t have the tools nor skills to so, I wish to one day wake and all of this life I lead be a dream, that from a moment lost in time my life starts. The fantasy. Life isn’t like this unfortunately, it’s hard, cruel and unforgiving. Life will beat you down to the floor, it will pound every inch of your body. You will experience pain, sometimes it’s unbearable, like a deep crippling arthritis. It makes up for this by giving you the concept and reality of love.There are many types of love, parent and child, friend to friend, the woman in your local shop who has been serving you since you were a kid, you have on some level affection towards these people. I have a belief, in the real world it’s bonkers, but for me it’s my miracle. This belief is the cause of my imbalance. My belief in love. True 100% love. Soul twisting, brightly shining unfiltered love. My best friend. My one. It has backed me into a corner. The impossible task of finding it with my lack of social interest has diminished my chances of finding my love significantly. Worst thing is I justify it because “when it’s meant to be it will be” I do trust the saying, I know it’s true, I’m just so sick of feeling empty. Sick of empty thoughts and actions

#blog #blogger #real #life #love #hope #fear #lonely #tired #word #wordporn #fighter #depressed #anxious

Tennis

I overthink so much it’s basically a sport.

It’s like my fears reaction to the problems I face

Every outcome is looked at

The hopeful ones

The not so hopeful ones

And that’s usually the side I lean towards

I didn’t really wear this frown growing up

Happy go lucky kid

Silver lining in a mushroom cloud

Along the way to this point I lost myself

I’ve looked fucking EVERYWHERE

I’m talking under beds and sides of sofas

Na

No joy, literally

I’ve let my fears mould me into what I am today

They pull me like the moon to the sea

Backwards and forwards

Never really going anywhere

I have this thing inside

It fucks with all of the above

It just doesn’t like to come out that often

Like a sun that plays peek a boo

Only a really long irritating game

But that sunshine

It revives me

Me

I never know what day I will get

What me I am today

It’s a shit laugh

Pain level 8

My mind is the illness and the doctor

Figure that shit out

Because I’m at this awhile and I’m still none the wiser

Peace

#wordporn #mind #mindfulness #blog #happy #sad #love #peace #happyness #pain #joy #up #down #left #right #into #wall #on #fire

Deflated

I give up

I give up trying to be me

I give up lying to myself and others

I give up my faith

I give up my hope

I give up any form of light

I give up on my dreams

I give up my mind

I give up on what I am

I give up who I am meant to be

I give up my energy

I give up my soul

I give up my life

I give the fuck up

I give all of it up

I give no more

Fuck it

#wordporn #blog #life #words #pain #depression #soul #fire #me #lost #igiveup #fuckit

Conquest

Open safari

Google homepage

“What the fuck now”

*enter*

Fuck!!!

What the fuck am I doing?

That 1% of me is never right

There’s no easy answers for you

No big epiphany

Fuck all

Your destined to be lost motherfucker

No way out for you

If you are what you tell yourself then You’re a bag of shit

Flowers die from your presence

Your cloudy on a sunny day

Head in the gutter

Sniffing the sewers

“Don’t pity yours because people have it worse”

People in pain can only feel pain

Empathy doesn’t cure the aliments

The noose gets tighter

Gasping for air but not suffocating

An itch you can’t reach

A search in the nothingness of the dark

I see the light someday

It will be from the stake I’ll be burned at

Freedom within the ashes

Gone with the wind

#poems #word #blog #life #wordporn #lessons #pain #struggle #motivation #self #enemy #depression #darkness

Rain drops

I feel sad alot lately, constantly swinging from side to side sitting on a knife edge, waiting. Dont get me wrong,i have moments even hours upon hours of being ok, like all my shittyness is finally behind me, but slowly and surely the clouds reappear and it rains once more. I feel alone, i feel lost, i feel unloved. I know most of these thoughts are not true. I have a loving family, i have friends that care, i have a job, a roof over my head and a warm bed. I know I’ve so many things to be grateful for and i honestly am… its just i cant get rid of this feeling of sadness. It haunts me everyday, every hour, every second, it consumes me, until i end up right back where i started from and ive to crawl once more to my feet. I just want a hug and to be told its going to be ok, that this is all going to be worth it, most of all i want to believe it. I want to believe the good things i tell myself, i want to accept love the way i should have, i want to be at peace. Wake up with a smile on my face,the motivation and mind set to take on the world and win. With every fibre of my being i wish this to be and until then, ill just sit with my thoughts and let the rain pour upon me.

#wordporn #sad #happy #motivation #raindrops #clouds #life #love #sad

Humans

​I’m not a religious guy, the only time I see the inside of a church is for special occasions. I don’t take holy communication for fear I spontaneously combust and if I was to confess all my sins I’d die from starvation, yet I understand the need for such a institution. The problem is with so many ways to interpret sentences or phrases, the messge that was once telling you to “never put your hand into the open fire” is now saying “open your hand to the fire”. Interpretation is everything.It boils down to the person,  that people are going to see and read what they want, and then use that information to fulfil their agenda good or bad so it’s not really religions fault. I honestly think the blame lies with us, society. We have lost the concept of being “human” we characterise each other by appearances, organise by race and religion and to be honest, it fucking discusts me. Why are we so afraid of the things we do not understand, why do we feel the need to hate the things that are not familiar. If the human race is to evolve and fully reach its maximum potential, it needs to be more “Human” 

21st

​Let the compassion out. Let the hate in. Let the boys die fighting in a war that is not their own. Let the girls cry, let the mothers morn.Condem open mindedness.Persecute everyone but your own kind. Don’t care about your actions. Pervert the course of justice. Kill the thinkers. Stomp and burn the right to be different. Accept barbaric acts as patriotism. Protect the rich and powerful.  Cuddle the ignorant and lazy. Encourage hate of anyone who’s not your colour. Destroy the concept of humanity.That is the modern way

#life #modern #peace #love #hate #ignorance #breakthecycle #onelove

A Day

Pressure surrounds me like a blanket,feels like sometimes im wrapped up so tight its hard to breathe, Woe is me. I can not see, who is he?Apart of me? Its so dark i cant see my hand in front of me, outlook is bleak, I’ve lost my heat, Frozen feet and I sleep. Purgatory, there is no glory, no heroic story, no wishes granted, no feeling, im trapped…. why can’t I pull myself back on track? Hitting the dirt road, what’s smooth sailing? Fuck should I know? I’ve been slowing dying on stormy seas. Inflicted with this disease that has forced me onto these dark seas…. Yet there is the light forever growing inside of me, it will ever die! It guides me when it shines bright , all is glory, hunky dorey, smiling images of my face, just silently loving my day, these are the times I wish so much they would stay, but hey! without the rain, you would never see the beauty of a clear blue day.

Illuminated Darkness

​Windows open up

Peak inside the room
View this darkness
See the things that are close enough to touch
When does it become enough?
How am I meant to get there?
I don’t know?but I know I won’t be alone
But I am
Damn!!
The dreams don’t make sense anymore
Beige coloured glassed on
Everything so mediocre
Air so dull it near chokes you
No colour
No cause
No more fighting
I’ve lost
I surrender
Why the fuck did I think I could be a contender
Bottom of the barrel shit
I just want to quit
Slowly floating away
Never to be found
Space bound
Yet I stay
I can’t throw it away!
Conflicting questions fill up the hours
Days, weeks, months
A constant battle
Tears hidden behind that smile on the clown
He slowly drowns
I don’t know how
How to return to the happiest boy in town
Just turn this big ass froun upside-down
Scrap these belligerent thoughts
See the vetanary
Wrong spieces
Fuck it, just glue back my pieces
Infect me with the cure and revive me with the disease
I’ll finally be at ease
Resting head, far from dead
Just sittin here realising all this shit is just in my head
#life #mind #poetry 

My scars

31st of December 2016

8:30PM
I visualise this year as a healing wound, and as the minutes pass by coming to the end another scar forms. A reminder of all the good times that should have been bad and the bad that should have been good. A permanent fixture on my body that I will carry with me until the day I die. This is not a bad thing by any means, I love my scars, I love knowing deep down I’m a fighter and I think that’s all you need to do in this life, fight. Take any boxer,MMA fighter…etc they will give every ounce of energy both physical and mental, they may lose, but they get up. When everyone leaves they are not still painted onto the canvas, they rise and fight another day because it doesn’t stop, so why should you. Take every day as it comes, relax because the problems in your mind are not your problems, they are simply hypothetical situations that you perdit will happen. They are nonsensical you can’t see the future so why try map your road out when you don’t know where your going.
Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, get wasted all the time, and you will have the time of your life.
Peace and love

#blogging #peace #love #newdawn #newday #newlife